Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
