DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize