ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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