Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Boobs speak an international language.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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