did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
