its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
