it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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