Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
