had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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