david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
