my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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