just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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