if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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