Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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