I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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