just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
