I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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