It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is wine microwaveable?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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