I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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