My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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