So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
