I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
