My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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