when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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