Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
