I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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