Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
