need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
