i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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