i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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