Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
