so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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