chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
