I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize