good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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