I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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