super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
