Michael Bay diarrhea
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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