i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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