so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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