Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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