I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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