I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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