put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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