last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
