You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
