when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
