dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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