I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
