I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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