Sry I called you an 8
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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