Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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