I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize