I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
