I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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