I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Barsexuality is the new black.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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