he shaved USA in his pubs
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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