After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
