One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
