I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
