Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
