Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
