If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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